Hello World

Ben Stein has some advice for business travelers. Summary: Be wealthy, and don't be afraid to use your wealth to buy comfort. Also, candy is delicious.

Bonus NY Times link: Straight, Gay or Lying? Bisexuality Revisited.

Bobby Brown: "Reality Show Helped Whitney and I"

Bobby Brown insists shooting his upcoming reality TV show has helped him and his wife, Whitney Houston, overcome their drug demons because the series showed them both how normal, but troubled their lives were. Being Bobby Brown, which doesn't feature any drug abuse, had led Brown to suggest it may have been just what his wife needed to show her she still had a problem. She checked into a rehabilitation facility after the series was filmed. Brown says, "I think it (the show) brought us closer together because it showed us that we're just normal." But the My Prerogative singer insists the rumored alcohol and drugs hell he and his wife went through is now in the past and he and Houston are sober and well. He adds, "The smell, the look in her eyes right now... just everything about her is what I met and I'm hoping that everything about me is what she met, and we're working hard at keeping our relationship maintained - and clean and sober." Brown insists it's time fans got behind the couple and stopped criticizing them for living a life they read about in tabloids. He explains, "If you love us and you like what we do as artists please just give us that, because that's what we give the most of, that's what we concentrate on, we concentrate on being the best singers and entertainers for you. When you try to break us down with our personal lives that really effects us. So, if I could say anything to people right now that's be to pray for us to be better."

To this I have only one thing to say: the smell? I mean, doesn't that phrase just bring to mind some uncomfortable ideas about what Whitney must have smelled like before? Like, great, she doesn't smell like rotting meat and rubbing alcohol anymore... do you really need to tell the world about it?

Bobby, you crazy bastard, you are just about the creepiest guy ever. You and R. Kelly (and Britney, and Russell, and Tom, and Lindsay, and, well, all of them really) should thank God every day that Michael Jackson paved the way for your bizarre behavior, allowing you to continue to make a living as a celebrity despite regularly and unceasingly demonstrating nothing but inhuman, anti-social, self-destructive insanity.

Cruise, 42, was on a walkabout prior to the premiere of the latest adaptation of the H.G. Wells classic in London's Leicester Square on Sunday when a bogus journalist stuck a joke microphone in front of him.

As Cruise started to talk, he was squirted with water from the microphone prompting the star to lose his cool.

"I'm here giving you an interview, answering your questions and you do something really nasty ... you're a jerk ... jerk ... you're a jerk," the actor told the prankster in front of legitimate reporters.

Cruise said it was "disgusting" that someone should act in such a way.

"I really work hard to make people feel good," he said as he towelled himself dry.

Found in the Washington Post.

In other news, is Robert Horry ridiculous or what? This guy has won 5 NBA championships, soon to be 6, as an essential role player who always comes up huge in pressure-packed moments. I remember watching the Lakers win their three consecutive championships, with Horry pouring in clutch three-pointers to clinch close wins and to turn close losses in to miracle victories. He's not a great player statistically--he's a mediocre player, statistically--and the fact of the matter is that it's easy to remember only his clutch shots and ignore his misses. But when it comes down to it, he's responsible for many of the most incredible and timely shots in NBA playoff history--and way more shots than any but the biggest stars the league has had.

I would have written all of the above last week, or last month, or last year. But last night, Horry managed to exceed my expectations. Yes, his 4th quarter dominance was impressive, but was to my eyes overshadowed by Tim Duncan's utterly hilarious (to those of us who indulge in schaedenfreude) meltdown. But in overtime, Horry was incredible. His left-handed dunk through traffic against the best defense in the NBA was astonishing--if you ask me, the most impressive and gutsy points he's ever scored--and then he came up with a bum shoulder, missing his free throw Shaq-ly. So why was he still in there when the Spurs faced a 2 point deficit with 9 seconds left? And why did he take that 3 pointer? And why did he make it? I hate the Spurs, let me make that clear now, and I was relishing the prospect of Tim Duncan's epic chokejob resulting in their shameful loss. But how could you not admire Horry, at this point a pretty old guy running on vapors, taking the game in his own hands?

Bill Simmons writes about it in this column, which is pretty much spot-on (although a bit harsh to Rasheed Wallace, who made a bonehead but understandable defensive play, considering Ginobli single-handedly destroyed the Pistons in the first 2 games of the series).

Tom Cruise proposed. Makes sense to me--they have been fake dating for a while. It's gotten pretty fake serious. It's about time for a fake engagement--to be followed, of course, by a fake wedding, fake pregnancy, fake children, and a fake breakup in 2008. It's fake fascinating!

re: Katie Holmes 'Digs' Scientology

Dear Washington Post:

Okay, Post. It was fun when you wrote that article noting that this relationship was an obvious sham. It showed an iota of honesty and humor. I guess I should have known it wouldn't last, and that you'd be "reporting" on this "important" "news" story with a straight face (no pun intended, but I don't mind it, either) soon enough.

For the record, however, someone saying that someone else digs something is NOT NEWSWORTHY, no matter how creepy and cultish may be the thing that's being, according to secondhand biased accounts, dug.

Let's go ahead and pretend this never happened--I'll go back to watching Arrested Development DVDs and you can go back to writing contentless folderol about my generation's music-listening tendencies.

Thanks,
calamityjake

Last night, I was talking with a friend of mine about Tom Cruise's totally legitimate relationship with Katie Holmes. We both agreed that he is a) straight b) not a credulous cult-member and c) extremely tall, and we definitely feel that his dating Katie Holmes, twenty years older than whom he is, is not in the least a publicity stunt and is in fact a public proclamation of a pure and honest love between two regular people who happen to be starring in upcoming summer blockbusters.

Anyway, apparently they are living together and engaged (maybe). What a storybook romance that no one, not even a heartless cynic, could take issue with.

Don't miss Batman and War of the Worlds: in theaters this summer!

Sarcasm update: See where I said "extremely tall" up there? That was the giveaway that I am not being entirely sincere! Not that you should need it! Even US WEEKLY isn't reporting this story seriously!

Yes, more Star Wars stuff. But this will be significantly shorter than the 2500 word abomination I unleashed this morning.

The Billboard Country Music Top Ten If Kenny Chesney Were Anakin Skywalker and Renée Zellweger Were Padmé Amidala
"You're So Beautiful (Only Because I'm So In Love With You)"

"Do It To Me One More Time (Like You Did By The Lake At Naboo)"

"You Had Me At 'I Will Not Condone A Course Of Action That Will Lead Us To War'"

For the rest, click here for the FameTracker article, which is so hilarious I want to paste it all here, but I won't, because that would be unjust.

Here's one I just made up, though: "I Love You So Much (I'm Going to Betray Everything We Believe In)" Not bad, but not so catchy.

Do you think Britney and her husband really had this interaction?

Britney: I've met grown men in this business that are a lot older than Kevin and they think I'm this dumb blonde, because I'm quote-Britney Spears-unquote. Men in Hollywood are just -- oh, my God, it's horrible. Babe, am I talking too much?
Kevin: Yeah, go away. [He laughs and hugs her.]
Britney: Is it okay if I stay? I miss you when I'm not with you.
Kevin: I don't care.

Answer: Yes. That and so much more.

Binoche Has Her Oscar Touched Up

French actress Juliette Binoche has had her 1996 Best Supporting Actress Oscar touched up by the Academy Of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences after the statuette lost its sheen. The English Patient star became sad when the award started peeling as her young son played with it, but was thrilled when she learned that a perk of winning is the ability to get the little man repaired for free. She says, "When I first brought it home I wanted to share my award, so I let my three-year-old son play with it. After a few days it started peeling until it was all naked and there was no gold left. The Oscar was all grey. It made me a little sad, but I couldn't stop smiling and thinking about how it is an illusion. Though it was kindly replaced by the Academy, it made me realize the real reward is what you keep inside you."

So the geniuses at IMDB read that quote and took from it that she had her Oscar fixed? What a bunch of dumb assholes! I got it from here