The Return of Wildly-Unrealistic Unmotivated Action.

Damn you, OC. DAMN YOU STRAIGHT TO HELL!

So, first of all, how did I do on my predictions?


Well, I was right that Marissa would finally suck face with Alex. Of course, I didn't think it was gonna be so awkward and actually kinda sweet. I don't really like the plotline, but I do like that its more of a legitimate relationship thing than just two girls banging their coconuts together after a frat party. More importantly, however, it was a crappy kiss. I was, to be charitable, an episode or two early with respect to the expected freak-out to follow. So the booze-fueled soul-searching/overdose/rebound affair with Zach that tears Newport apart will have to wait.

I was totally right about Caleb pretending to still be a good guy; he made some efforts to get closer to Lindsay, even going so far as to include Ryan in some stuff. Then he and Ryan had some more fights in which they were both kind of right about the other person (Caleb as a hate-filled manipulator, Ryan as a former criminal who's always in the middle of trouble). It's hard to understand why Caleb keeps throwing out the "impregnator!" accusation, though, considering there's ample evidence that he couldn't keep his pants-monster restrained either. Anyway, they played a horribly-staged game of pool for, uh, well... no real reason that I can figure out. Ryan set the stakes this way: "If I lose, I'll stay out of your way, and if you lose you have to be okay with me dating Lindsay [your illegitimate daughter, whom I am dating]." That is fine and dandy, except why the hell would Caleb bother taking this stupid bet? Well, anyway, it's shot so that you literally never see either of them making a shot but Ryan wins, surprise. Caleb acts nice when Lindsay's around, blah blah blah, Ryan suggests they rent "The Color of Money," joke being that he just hustled Caleb... maybe it would have been awesomer if he had suggested "The Hustler" instead (written by a Pomona alumnus!). Anyway, aside from a few fun cleavage shots Lindsay was a total borefest in this episode. But I was pretty much right about this plotline, is my point.

As long as we're on the subject of Marissa, a few words on Julie. Julie finally came back from l'Europe, was pissed that nobody cared, acted pretty nice to Marissa only to be rebuffed because her daughter was having gay thoughts. Then, hilariously, she threatened to take away Marissa's Blackberry. Um, what exactly does Marissa have a Blackberry for? Does she need 24/7 access to her high school's VPN or Exchange server, perhaps? Clearly Marissa was wondering this as well, as the threat had little effect on her. Then Julie said she'd take away Marissa's cell phone and yadda yadda yadda they had dinner that night. Julie made clear her plan to milk Caleb for his fortune, asking Marissa to play it cool for a while, just until she could get into Caleb's will. Do I smell poisoned burritos (no cilantro, por favor)?

So Summer, Seth, and Zach went to San Diego to pitch their comic book idea (as if). The comic book company, of course, had a whimsical, colorful, ridiculous office, because everyone knows that comic book companies are based on fairy dust and magic powers, not good business sense and synergies and outside-the-box thinking. Anyway, the meeting got pushed back, so they had to stay overnight (like, maybe mom and dad would have a problem with this?) in San Diego. Zach dropped the bomb to Seth that he (Zach) and Summer were going off in a while to Tuscany, Italia, to attend a wedding and then do some backpacking through Cinque Terra (I'VE BEEN THERE, IT WAS AWESOME!). OMG, Seth freaked out so bad but tried to play it cool. Then he was uncomfortable because Zach and Summer were gonna sleep in the same bed--Seth, stop being such a dumb dickhead please?--but finally left them alone and presumably paced back and forth nervously in his own (adjoining) room, listening intently for sounds of headboards banging and Zach's voice yelling "Call me Lance Armstrong! Who's your smooth-chested lover?" The next day, it turned out that Seth had spent the night drinking lots and lots of coffee, and he was totally wired. Wacky! So he fucked up the big meeting and professed his love for Summer in one awkward conflagration of disaster, and it was kind of funny but mostly ridiculous. Then Summer and Zach were about to get it on when Zach was like, "Summer, I have something to tell you first," and Seth calls and interrupts so we don't know the secret. Maybe Zach is a CIA plant and is actually 34 years old. Or maybe he's addicted to heroin. Or maybe he has girl parts down there. Tune in next week, yo. And Seth is depressed on a completely empty bus, YEAH RIGHT OC.

Sandy Cohen and his wife fight throughout the episode because he had lied about Rebecca, his ex, being dead, when she was actually staying in his office. Hmmm, was that really such a smart lie, Sandy? Methinks not. Eventually Kirsten forgives Sandy because his eyebrows are so beautiful. Then Rebecca's daddy dies, and Sandy gives Rebecca a long hug and everyone in the audience is like, "oh come on... Sandy wouldn't do that." And he doesn't. But then right before Sandy and Kirsten are gonna go have romantic Valentine's day dinner (oh, yeah, the episode is all about how it's Valentine's day. I should have mentioned that before) when Rebecca calls and says "for no reason except to be a total bitch, I'm calling to tell you that I'm leaving tomorrow and YOU MUST ABANDON YOUR WIFE AND COME SEE ME BEFORE I GO EVEN THOUGH I COULD REALLY JUST LEAVE IN 2 DAYS, SINCE I'M A FUCKING RENEGADE ON THE RUN FROM JOHNNY LAW, I DON'T EXACTLY HAVE A FULL SCHEDULE." Or something along those lines. So, of course, Sandy is like "I won't be manipulated like this; I'm going to have dinner with my wife, who is MUCH HOTTER and who is my WIFE." Only, instead of that he says "I'll be right over to make out with you in the most uncharacteristic behavior on this show since Marissa called Ryan instead of fleeing the hotel room while her psycho stalker was taking a shower." And then he does, and it is total bullshit.

Boy, what a load of horseshit. The Cohen men acted like utter morons, which is acceptable when it's Marissa or Luke acting like morons but not when it's purportedly smart characters. Especially Sandy, because come on Sandy. She looks like an animatronic butterbeast, like Abby Bartlet's slightly-younger but still melty sister, and she is a total pot-smoking manipulative skank. And you're married, which you already know. You managed to fight off Mona from friends last year, how hard can this be? But the writers had to make you screw up, and now they did, and so there will be some stupid plotlines that result about which I will have to complain incessantly. So thanks a lot, dickheads.

Next week: oh, who knows. More making out, fighting, lying, crying, yelling, betraying, etc. And hopefully some more hot girl-on-girl action.